I guess the purpose of blogging goes beyond dropping crazy insight into complex issues that I am quickly learning all of the answers to. I guess it is just sharing in the humanity which is out lives. On that note I must ask myself: "What is going on in my life?"
The answer in plain-speak is I'm doing fine. There so if you are bored and have to do others things feel free to go.
The real answer is a bit of a double-edged sword. Adulthood is happening (0.o) after over a year of a very dry period of my journey with God he has begun a process of softening my heart and simultaneously hardening my resolve (in him). This has been a season where I have begun to draw near but it is much like warming yourself with a campfire; I have been out in the cold which has caused me to bulk up with more layers but still not getting the warmth I need. Now I have a fire but as I draw nearer the heat is turning up and I have to shed some layers to get closer to this heat which is keeping me alive.
Much in this way His holiness and my sin are frequently coming to an impasse (HA! That is half of the name of the blog!). There is much love and growth but there is a lot of conviction about my behavior, (which, for a time, I had began to accept as core to who I was) how I though about things, how I have been treating God, and others through this (for a great resource on this check out C. S. Lewis' essay "The Weight of Glory") and the need to confess my sin and repent.
This last one has been the biggest point of contention for mw. For the most part I have considered myself a person who didn't care what other's thought about me. I have a very off-beat sense of humor and as a teenager (and still to this day) I like (d) getting attention good and sometimes even negative attention. But as the Lord began to convict of particular things I have done in the past (that could have serious ramifications on my current and future life in ministry) I began to realize startling truths about myself.
Until about a month ago there was one sin that I had never told anyone because I was so ashamed; and one month ago if you had asked me about confessing any un-confessed sins I would have been honest and told you there was one and I would have quickly qualified that statement by saying, "But I will never tell anyone what I did."
This past month a series of Chapel messages at my school were given on the situation surrounding the Ted Haggard fiasco. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Haggard) And seeing the negative effects sin could have on people in ministry and all those who were under their leadership, ultimately shocked me. I had always realized the influence church leaders have in their congregations but as I was sitting in Chapel I realized that despite my own assurances I am just as capable of committing every sin as any other person. I also realized that through keeping that sin cooped up inside it will rip a person to shreds.
By no stretch of the imagination was it difficult for me to keep the secret that I had but the effects it would have on me later in life and just the fact that I could only begin the healing process was through confession. I also knew that I needed to face the consequences and in whatever way right the wrong which I had done.
I couldn't understand why. As I prayed and thought about it I realized that I cared too much about what people thought of me. The way I thought about what I had done was very clear in my head (by the way I just was able to confess to a close friend last night so I’m not quite ready to air out my dirty laundry just yet) but the way I would clearly express in words what I had done conveyed me as a truly evil person and I couldn’t reconcile that with myself.
Even through numerous offers by a dear friend to talk about it judgment free, I couldn't bring myself to do it. In truth I knew how I had to start but I knew that I could just stop at the telling.
But by the conviction of the Holy Spirit and the grace of God I was given the opportunity and the courage to seize it a chance to confess. I won’t lie those have been the hardest words I have ever uttered. She was kind and listened and didn’t pretend to know the answers.
I still don’t have the answers, I still need to pray and to seek counsel on how to repent and make right to the best of my Christian ability the wrong I have committed. It doesn’t stop here. But I am encouraged, because after the tears, and the turmoil roiling inside me with a sin that had been eating away at me for 7 years, a trespass against His creation, the King greeted my filth with abundant peace.
Blessed Are the Forgiven
A Maskil of David.
1 Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. 2 Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.
3 For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.
5 I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD," and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.
6 Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.
7 You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.9 Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you.
10 Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.11 Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!